30/08/2023
Hello, it is me,
This month has flown by, I don’t know where the time has gone. All I can say is that I have achieved very little and have just been on autopilot to make it to the end of the month.
So, as I previously said in my first blog, I passed my Review Milestone[1] for my PhD program, which is always a good thing, to the reassurance that even though I feel like I am failing or haven’t done enough of my research isn’t up to a high enough standard or all the above… that is more often the case.[2] Alas, the panel of professionals were satisfied with my progress, and we keep marching forward. It was a massive relief, and I was happy it was over and all around happy with my feedback; there was a glimmer for just a moment that I was happy with what I achieved before the crippling imposter syndrome came crashing down and capped me in the knees bring my straight back to earth. Still, it was nice for that brief moment. Unfortunately, my body just broke down two days after completing it, and I ended up in bed for the next couple of days over pure exhaustion. I retreated into full cat mode and slept for maybe 38 hours over the next 48. The hibernation period, although much needed, was less than desirable as, at the time, I had a pile of corrections to complete for tutoring.
I love teaching, I love university tutoring, and I love having my classes every week and teaching them about art history, sharing my love and understanding of the subject. Though this semester has been harder than previous years due to numerous reasons, all of which I can’t get into now, the main one is that I feel like it is preventing me from fully being immersed in my research. So I have decided to step back from tutoring for at least two semesters until I have finished my thesis. Juggling my commitments has been probably the most challenging thing throughout my PhD. At various points, juggling three jobs (one of them is my research as I am technically contracted to four to five days a week of full-time work for it) has been overwhelming, and burnout has been real. Last year, I had a mental breakdown, the lasting effect that lasted for five months; it wasn’t pretty. I mentally and physically deteriorated, which was detrimental to my research productivity. I reached my breaking point in June and July and took all the way till the beginning of October to start feeling myself again. From that point, when I finished tutoring that year I would only have one other job besides my research. I am fortunate to do this, but many people are not so lucky. Despite making this oath, I broke it again this year… I call it stupidity or glutton for punishment or just delusion, but I couldn’t give up the opportunity to work at the gallery I am currently at. So I decided that for two months, I could do both and would make it work, and so far, I have barely made it work, which has reminded me to think back on the promise I made to myself.
Well… that was a bit of a side track, but I don’t have structure or a full idea of what I would like to do with these blogs. Anyway, after that set of corrections, I had another pile of corrections to do for their final semester research essays, so I have just read a lot of papers about the same thing, telling my students to double-read their work before they submit, that they need to reference a research essay and the importance of why statements like ‘I believe’ and ‘I think’ do not belong in academic writing.
So, I have not launched my website yet. It has been a work in progress, like I said, a busy month and grading, but I still write, so eventually, when I do launch hope in the next couple of months, there is actually something on the site. I am actually getting close, but I don’t want to put a date on it because I have missed all the other dates…. Alas, good-bye, for now, I will write soon.
Love Me.
[1] What is a Milestone? For those who do not know, keep reading for those who do… I wouldn’t bother. A Milestone is a presentation on your research to a university panel. These occur throughout the duration of your research, you usually have three (at least there are three in Australia). A PhD full time, is usually three-four years plus, a milestone roughly every twelve months. They are the Confirmation, Progress Review (Mid-Candidature) and Final Review Milestones, this is what they are called at my University anyway. You present what you have done over the last 12 months or more and the panel will either pass you or not. You need to complete all milestones before submitting your Thesis.
[2] Yes, I am circling back to a couple of months ago before my research trip, but I had some thoughts on it and have now processed everything and ready to talk about it.